Is it pitiful that when my partner mistakenly almost put his penis into my ass instead of my vagina I was disappointed when he said, “oh I’m not into that!”? It was a totally acceptable announcement of his preferences. But, like damn, would it be horrible if just the tip went in? For those of us not participating in ass play, are we missing the f#ck out? From my brief but sensitizing experiences of anal sex, I can attest to the pleasuring potential.
I remember one piece of advice my mom gives me when I tell her I am dating someone new: “TLWG” – Think Like a White Girl. I like to interpret this euphemism as, “be as sexually liberated as you damn well please” or as, “sexually liberated as society has permitted white women to be.” I’m sure some of you have seen this statement personified on your Pornhub homepage. Is the myth true that black women and men aren’t as sexually liberated as non black folks?
I am so curious to explore the realm of ass play as a heterosexual woman and dying to meet a partner who is equally, freakishly yoked. My friend suggested creating an app that matches you to people with your same freak number and I’m beginning to think it’s not a bad idea given that my sexual desires seem to be exponentially growing as I age. What’s worse is that I can barely formulate the right words to express my anal desires without word vomiting all over and eventually moaning the same five sexual expletives.
What I’m questioning is, is anal play between heteronormative couples still a taboo sexual act or am I simply choosing the wrong partners? Or, rather, how do you broach the subject when you are in a relationship that fosters sexual exploration? My queer, male friend insists that I just shove said partner’s face down there. That’s one way to get what you want.
Like with any new experience, baby steps, people. Let’s start with rimming. Good ole ass licking. The anus is less than an inch away from the vagina. So, if you’re slopping up the pussy (you best be) it’s a short sprint to the A-spot. Let’s not pretend like it’s out of plain sight. Bitch, your anal uber is outside your house and your destination is around the corner.
The majority of the nerve endings we want to stimulate are near the surface so there’s no need to be greedy all at once. A gentle swirl of the tongue is enough to get pleasure receptors moving. You know that zoetic sensation when your partner slides their tongue into your ear … causing an immediate pussy pulse or dick twitch? I equate that sensation to having my ass eaten times 15. Nothing quite compares to oral clitoral stimulation but rimming unleashes a plethora of vibrations that awakens the bodies full pleasure potential. You begin to ignite small sensitivities within, which I can imagine is similar to the feeling that a man experiences when his partner finally puts the tip of his dick in their mouth after teasing the shaft. All of this to say, can we please explore more? Once the rimming begins, my body exists in a reality where I’m torn between “feeling bashful as fuck because it’s been labeled so bad but it feels so damn good,” and “being the most powerful woman in the world when I shove his head deeper in between my ass cheeks.” What a dichotomy.
If we’re lucky enough to receive it, are you brave enough to reciprocate the act? I can attest to the disparity particularly between heterosexual couples. My philosophy is that if you enjoy it, they most likely do as well.
Let’s call a previous partner of mine, Mr. X. Mr. X was truly a joy in bed, a tender and attentive lover. He would eat the box for extended amounts of time but never ventured down south. So, I decided to take matters into my own hands (literally) and slowly make my way to exploring his ass. Even though Mr. X, continued having sex with me while I was basically doing sign language in his ass with my fingers, he wasn’t overtly expressing pleasure nor signifying discomfort.
Do you know how horrible it feels to be stuck in this limbo during sex? Teetering between “maybe he loves it” and “maybe he’s politely thinking my mother raised me with the wolves.” Well, after I orgasmed, Mr. X wasn’t shy to tell me that ass play wasn’t his cup of tea. Poor me. Surprisingly, it didn’t damper the sexual rapport between us and I appreciated him more for his fervor to try something new and not let ass play dictate his sexuality. Future sessions with Mr. X didn’t lead to him licking or fingering my ass BUT shoutout to both of our vulnerable moments.
Women and men, If you receive it are you willing to give it?
One of my male gay friends swears that all men are pleasured by anal play and that men who suggest otherwise are in denial. Which in fact, corroborates my previous statement that anal play does not dictate sexuality. Which fear is it that paralyzes us from venturing into ass play? Cleanliness? Heteronormative ideals? How freeing to not let societal enforced homophobia dictate our physical sexual liberties. The extensive sensory nerve supply in the anal region behooves us to show some love to that good-good. What about the anal area triggers such a visceral reaction in men and women alike? And why is ass play seemingly more present in sexual acts of non black people? If this is false, all porn websites need to update your homepage to display equal representation, and to my future sexual partners: Let’s give it a try?
Is it a badge of honor for men if they have anal sex with a woman? In an online article, GQ magazine states that only the biggest hypocrite tries to get girls to do anal but can’t bring himself to explore that region. FINALLY! This is what I call equality. Manifest that shit into the universe. And to think that there was a time when pussy eating was enough. Another hoe out here living her best sex-positive life says that “true gender equality will be when every single woman on this planet has her ass eaten so fully and so deeply just as often as men get blowjobs”… Can I get an amen? Ok, ok, it may be a little idiomatic but let’s be hopeful.
IF you are so lucky to enter the new forbidden fruit of a woman’s body can we please handle with care? It will stretch, but damn! Lube it, lick it, love it. In a recent experience, an over exuberant penis tried to make its way into my ass and while I applaud his conviction, no one’s trying to be Dead On Arrival. Clinical sexologist Dr. Nancy Sutton Pierce recommends starting with fingers, tongue, or a very small sex toy. I think I stick to these options for the time being.
I understand that ass play is loaded (no pun intended) with stigma, stereotypes and horrific judgment. However, if you are free in the mind, in love with your body and invested in another beautiful human, consider shedding those biases. I leave you with the words of an incredibly proud, liberated professional hoe:
“If a girl wants to put her tongue in my nasty ass, who am I to stop her?” – Charlamange tha God
Pro Hoe is a sexually liberated column that uses the humorous, honest and candid sexual experiences of Penda N’diaye in an effort to create a space for people of color to share and communicate their sexual desires without societal bias and stigma. Email your questions to [email protected] (anonymity guaranteed)